


if i kiss you, will my mouth read this truth

by thetruthmayvary



Series: if i lose myself, will i find it? [1]
Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-09
Updated: 2012-11-09
Packaged: 2017-11-18 07:39:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/558503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetruthmayvary/pseuds/thetruthmayvary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just because Nick has a wild imagination doesn't mean that Harry isn't real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if i kiss you, will my mouth read this truth

**Author's Note:**

> This is weird and I don't know why I wrote this, but here it is. Also, the title is from Little bird by Ed Sheeran, though I changed it up a bit.

When Nick's 14, he has a friend called Riley.

Riley's short and friendly and always there when Nick wants him to be. He is never occupied with school or family stuff or cleaning his room. Or anything, really.

He's his best friend - one that Nick can share everything with.

When Nick's 15, his mum tells him that Riley doesn't exist, that he is but a fragment of his imagination.

Nick doesn't believe her, but Riley disappears anyway.

Nick cries and screams but he never sees him again.

When Nick's 20, he finally meets another friend like Riley – her name is Ailey and she's kind and beautiful. They spend most of their time together and soon Nick's convinced that she's a part angel, and he hangs on to her every word even when she isn't around.

Other people don't love Ailey like he does, but they don't know her. They don't know that when Nick gets depressed or has trouble arranging his thoughts into coherent sentences, Ailey is the only one who can help him out.

When Nick's 24, he isn't doing too well. His co-workers are plotting against him and no one believes him. Other people try to tell him what to do (other than Ailey) and he doesn't want to listen, but he also doesn't know how to shut them out.

They talk too loud.

They put him in a mental hospital. They diagnose him with Schizophrenia. They give him pills.

And Ailey doesn't visit him anymore.

He focuses on his career after that. It's what everybody wants him to do, so it's what he does.

He talks much more than he used to, and people think he's funny, and everything is sort of okay. He doesn't let anyone get to close, though – he's afraid they might leave him once they do.

When Nick's 27, he becomes friends with Harry Styles.

At first, Nick doesn't think Harry's anything special. He hangs out with him like he does with all of his other friends. They watch movies, go shopping, sometimes Harry cooks and sometimes he visits him at the radio station. Sometimes he leaves for tour, and that's alright because he's nothing special.

Until he is.

It doesn't happen gradually like this things usually do.

It's like one day Harry is just someone who's fun to be around and the day after he's someone Nick _needs_  to be around.

One day his curls and dimples and green eyes and tattoos are something thousands of other people have, but the day after they're only Harry's.

One day his discarded clothes in Nick’s apartment mean only _fuck, Harry, take your shit home_ and the day after it's _I think I'm going to wear this dirty sweater today because it smells like him._

Unfortunately, that day after is the day One Direction leaves for their American tour, and Nick finds himself unwilling to let go.

Harry sleeps over that night, and Nick even makes him breakfast in the morning (and Nick never makes anyone breakfast), just to keep him there a little bit longer.

If Harry's surprised when he wakes up he doesn't show it – he just smiles and Nick thinks that maybe he's as reluctant to leave as Nick's to see him leaving.

"I'll send you a postcard," he says when he can't prolong his stay any longer, and Nick answers with something like “Better get me a gift, too” as he hugs him tightly and tries to figure out if the world would come down if he kissed him.

Harry's gone before Nick comes up with an answer.

He texts and he calls, but Nick never receives that postcard he was promised.

He misses him a little too much and that scares him, and as he's watching some shitty show on TV one day it hits him that he's gotten a little _too_ attached to him.

He wonders if Harry could disappear one day, but as soon as that thought crosses his mind, he finds it hard to catch a breath, so he decidedly starts thinking about something else because he doesn't like that feeling.

A week later, that thought comes haunting him again, but this time he finds a way to get rid of it once and for all – he thinks about how often Harry's in the papers or on the TV, how often people mention One Direction, how often he plays their songs on the radio – and he decides that Harry must be real.

Nick maybe _is_ sick, but it would be impossible for the whole world to be sick, as well.

When Harry comes back, he doesn't bring him a gift, but Nick isn't mad because he missed him far too much.

They hang around at his place that night, eating take-out food and watching reruns of Friends.

They share a blanket on the couch and Harry's head somehow falls down on his shoulder and Nick's so happy that he concludes that the world would be just alright if he kissed him.

“Harry?” he says quietly and when Harry answers with a hoarse “Yeah?“ Nick almost whispers “I want to kiss you.”

Harry raises his head enough to look at him, blinks a few times and says “Okay.”

“Okay” Nick repeats and Harry grins and then Nick kisses that grin away.

Harry's beautiful and his lips are beautiful and Nick sort of imagined the kiss to be beautiful, too, but Nick doesn't think that's the way to describe it anymore.

Maybe it starts that way, but it sure doesn't last long. Harry's lips are red and wet and his tongue is searching and needy and Nick's responds the same way.

It ends before Nick wants it to, but then again, Nick's wishes aren't exactly realistic.

Harry stays the night, but they don't do more than kiss, and as much as Nick might be disappointed by that, he's sort of glad, too.

Things that start fast end fast and fast endings aren't really on the list of things Nick can deal with.

The next day, Nick's mum comes to visit him and she's happy because Nick's happy (even though Nick doesn't tell her _why_ he's happy), but she becomes much less happy when she finds Nick's pills in the bathroom.

Pills that should have been used.

Nick doesn't see what the big deal is, but his mum calls his psychiatrist and Nick's goes to see him for the first time in months.

He gets new pills and he takes them regularly because that's what he always does in the beginning.

A few weeks later, when he doesn't hear from Harry for a few days, it's a little strange but he tries not to worry too much.

When few days turn into a week and Harry doesn't answer his calls, he's really worried.

He comes to work on Monday and Matt tells him they're going to be talking to One Direction on the phone so that they can announce their new single. He lets out a sigh in relief because he's going to hear Harry's voice even if it's on a live radio. And even if Harry doesn't want to talk to him.

He's feeling all jittery and nervous and when 8 o'clock finally hits he's saying “Hello, One Direction!”and four voices are answering back with “Hi! You're alright?” and “Hi, Nick!” and things of that sort and he doesn't hear Harry's deep voice amongst them so he asks “Is that all of you there?”

When someone answers with a “Yeah, it's all four of us”, Nick draws his eyebrows together in confusion.

“Where’s Harry?”

“Who's Harry?”

There's laughter after that and Matt approaches him asking him if he's alright and Nick really doesn't understand.

“Did they kick him of the band or something?” he asks Matt, and the thought makes him incredibly sad, because if it's true, then that means that Harry's crushed and he should be there for him and why won't Harry let him.

“There's never been a Harry in the band, what are you talking about? It's always been just the four of them.”

It takes Nick a couple of minutes more before he thinks that Matt might be right.

And just one more before he starts having trouble breathing.


End file.
